Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Ok so I got a call from my Dr. saying that they gave me the wrong information. I actually have a gene mutation called (methylenetetrahydrofolate) otherwise known as MTHFR. All I really know is that it basically means I don't absorb folic acid. Which in turn puts me at high risk for children with Downs or Spina Bifida . Also increases my risk for heart attack and stroke.

I really don't know anything yet until I see the Dr. on Jan 5. In the mean time we are going to just wait till we get the go ahead to start trying again. Dr has put me on Metanx until then.

If you have this please comment and let me know what your Dr. Told you about it.


Monday, December 20, 2010

Im Normal??

Drum Roll Please..........

All my test came back NORMAL!!!!! 19 Tubes of blood and 1 HSG test later Dr said everything came back perfect. Not sure if I wanted to hear something was wrong so we could fix it or if I'm happy that its just my body doing what it is supposed to do (kicking out the bad ones). Well anyhow, Dr. said just keep trying. So I talked it over with Rob and that is just what we will do.

I am so thankful for my amazing husband, I know this is painful for him too. He said the worst part is not being able to do anything to make me feel better. He is always staying positive and cheering me on. I can not say enough how thankful I am that the Lord gave me him. I asked him what he would do when we finally get to hear a heart beat and he said he would probably cry (I will probably pass out). I love how sensitive, honest, and compassionate he has been through all of this.

I also wanted to give a shout out to Sandy Hall (follow her at SANDYPINKMAMA@BLOGSPOT.COM she has gone to every Dr. apt and test when Rob could not be there. She has let me squeeze her hand and cry on her shoulder. Friends like that are hard to come by.

Dr. Still has me on Progesterone and said this time to take it after Ovulation until we see two pink lines or Aunt Flo comes to visit (ugh I hate her).

Emotions are still running high but every day is a little easier. I cry at the drop of a hat. Especially at Church. I think it is where I feel the safest yet the most vulnerable. I love my pastor (Steve Pridmore) and all my prayer partners. It is hard to face everyone after a loss, but knowing they are all so wonderful it makes it easier. I have several pregnant friends and that kills me. I am very happy for all of them but each one of them is due within a week of when both of our babies were due. So it sometimes feels unfair and I just want to scream that was supposed to be me!!! I held a newborn in the hospital the other day and I felt nothing. I mean the baby was cute but I had no emotional connection. It was like holding a stuffed animal. I know that sounds harsh but its what I felt. My heart has gone cold as I am trying to protect it. I looked at her and thought its not mine desperately trying to keep a smile on my face. I am however loving my new niece as a distance. I like talking to her on skype, but I'm not ready to go there and be with her and the family. I hope they will understand some day it has nothing to do with not wanting to be with them. In fact it kills me that I feel this way I want all of it to go away.

I know God knows my heart and knows that being a mom is something I have dreamed of forever. I guess it is just going to take longer than I thought. I am learning to let go (a little) but as a control freak it is not easy. No one can say or do anything to make this feel better I just have to press on one day at a time with God FIRST and Rob at my side. I know when we finally get to hold our little one we will Cherish it much more than if it was the first try. I cant wait for that day to come.

Thank you Thank you to all my friends, family and cyber buddies that are praying and thinking positive for us. It really makes the days go by faster.


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Celebrating for someone else is not easy these days but they deserve it.


Welcome baby Emma Lee Lloyd!!! 7lbs 3oz!! Born Dec 3rd 10:15 P.M.

I can say I am very excited to be an Aunt!

Emma is beautiful and my sister Brooke and her husband Paul did an amazing job bringing Emma into this world.


For those of you that don't know December first was a really great day for us. After a miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) at 5w4d September 30 Rob and I got a positive pregnancy test on December 1st. I was floored, had no idea. I immediately started to get more tired, sore breasts, lack of sleep, etc... Dr put me on Progesterone to try to help this little one stick. I am a dreamer so I of course started right away dreaming about our little boy or little girl again. Thinking about names and paint colors. We did tell a few of our close friends and family because that feeling is not something you can keep inside.

Dec, 6 2010 (last night) I had sharp pains in my right side and then in my left. I thought my pants were too tight from all the bloating. So I changed into my PJ's and laid down taking deep breaths. I went upstairs toward the end of the night and decided to take another pregnancy test so I could have a dark one for that baby book I was dreaming about. 3 min later I hit the floor crying. This can not be happening again. NO PINK LINE. Well I know how this goes. That means my beta levels have dropped again and I will start bleeding soon. Man this stinks. I prayed really hard and had my husband pick up more tests. Maybe it was just a fluke, a bad test. Well I tested again at 6:45 am with two tests one with lines and one digital. Ugh that big fat negative digital test is the worst. To go from PREGNANT to NOT PREGNANT in 4 days. Man oh man.

Well it is only 8 am Dr. opens at 9 but I know how this goes so I am blogging to get it out of my head and on paper. I truly believe someday I will be able to show my son or daughter how hard I tried and how badly I wanted them. But today I just feel like a failure. I hate having to tell my amazing husband my body couldn't handle this one either, but as my Mom said at least they know something is not right and maybe this time will take it seriously. That's what I'm praying for.

For all the ladies out there trying, please don't give up, I don't plan on it either, I will just need a few days to re-coup.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


So as I said before I am a complete CONTROL FREAK I want to plan and control every step. I am grounded by a husband that goes with the flow and brings me back from the edge when I'm about to jump! Man am I thankful for him!! Anyway, I have been running into a lot of people that think like I do lately and God has been giving me the words to say to them to help them relax, but I'm starting to realize I'm not so great at following that advice. My sister pointed out to me on Tuesday that I am always looking for answers RIGHT NOW! With having a miscarriage, it caused me to have even more questions, questions like: Can I even Conceive? Will I have another miscarriage? Is it my fault? and every other question you can think of. Lately the only thing that calms me is the Christian radio on Pandora. It relaxes me and takes me to a quiet place where I can just listen to where God is leading me. I thought I would share the lyrics of one of the songs I came across from one of my favorite bands Sanctus Real. Maybe it will help you like it did me.... Enjoy!!



AF that is! I have never been one to get excited about this because it is always very painful for me, but this time I'm ecstatic!! I am so glad my body is back on track and we can move forward now. The next few months are going to be exciting and hard all at the same time. I am a CONTROL FREAK so I am going to try to stay positive and relax and just have fun!! Maybe we will even get an early Christmas gift this year!! Fingers crossed prayer warriors on post and lets do this!!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Trying to give IT to GOD!

DISCLAIMER (this is a personal blog if your not TTC this may be TMI for you)

This has been a tough week for me... I am still waiting for my first AF (Aunt Flo) since our miscarriage in September. I have been really trying to Give it to God and just know he is taking care of things. Easier said than done, as I can't seem to get it off my mind. Every symptom must be a pregnancy symptom (even though it most likely is not) But because my mind is racing all the time it feels like it. Ugg even after church today when our pastor spoke so much truth on faith and committing our lives "WHOLEHEARTEDLY"  I had a major breakdown in the car on the way home from lunch. I want sooooo badly to not think about babies. I pray about it all the time , I just want to wake up without the urge to look at baby stuff online, take a test or analyze my symptoms. It seems no mater how hard I try I cant stop thinking about them. I know I am struggling with this too, but wanted to give you some of the words from my pastor today, because even though I struggle with this concept I know it is true. If you are struggling with this or anything else in your life, I hope this lifts you up. 

We need to and want to be Wholeheartedly committed to the Lord. One of the Scriptures used today was Joshua 14:8 "For my part, I wholeheartedly followed the Lord my God." '

What does Wholeheartedly really mean? 

Wholehearted means to close the gap or to get within range. 

3 Characteristics of Wholehearted Devotion:

1: commitment  
2: confidence
3: courage

My favorite thing from today's sermon was this : Faith-believing God is who He said He is, and He'll do everything He promised He'd do. 

I DO trust that the Lord has a plan for Rob and I and our future children, and I DO know that it is much better then the plan I have concocted in my head. This week I will try to focus more on the Word and my faith and less on what I want and how I want it. 

I hope this has encouraged anyone that feels like I do. 

Friday, October 29, 2010


TADA...... 2 weeks later we got 2 pink lines. September 18, 2010...We couldn't believe it happened that fast. We thought for sure it would take at least 4-6 months. We couldn't hold back our excitement and we told everyone, i mean everyone!! Including announcing it on Facebook.

A couple of days later I was reading the What to Expect When Your Expecting blogs and started seeing all the blogs about the May moms (my due date) having miscarriages. Although I didn't think that would ever happen to me, I started checking for blood every time I went to the bathroom. (Sorry if TMI) I started to feel like maybe we jumped the gun by telling everyone so soon.

About 6:30 A.M on September 30th 2010 about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant I saw what I was dreading, BLOOD AND A LOT OF IT.  I immediately panicked and started bawling. Rob rushed in and hugged me trying to make me feel better. Something in my gut just said this was not going to end well. We had a ton of amazing family and friends supporting us over the next three days. I had so many people tell me they bled during their pregnancy and I was going to be fine.

Monday October 4th 2010 I got the dreaded news that we had a miscarriage. I was beside myself, I didn't know how to tell Rob. I felt like it was all my fault at first knowing that it was my body that rejected it. I know now that this is all part of Gods plan and we are going to be just fine. But at that moment in time I felt like my world was crumbling around me.

GOOD NEWS: We had our first check up about 10 days post miscarriage and the Dr. gave us the go ahead to start trying again! So here we are this is our blog on our journey to parenthood. Someway somehow someday we will be parents, it is all up to the Lord and I am so glad you are all here to watch it unfold!


So I can honestly say I have been dreaming about being a mom since I was a child. I just felt the lord built me to be a mom. After Rob and I got married I immediately got the baby syndrome, even though I thought we wanted to wait at least 3-5 years. About every couple of months I would snuggle up to Rob real sweet and whisper "Wanna have a baby?" His response was always "ha ha no!" UGG after two years had gone by (that felt like forever in baby syndrome years) I was frustrated, but I didn't let it show. I always prayed that God would tell Rob when the time was right! Well three months ago at dinner Rob said " So I think I finally realized I'm 25!" " I look at kids different now, every time I see a little girl running around I just melt" We decided to jump on what Rob felt like was the Lord putting it on his heart to have children.


Rob and I met Easter weekend 2006, through a mutual friend. I knew two weeks later Rob would be my husband. The two things that I fell in love with first were: #1 Our first serious talk (a walk on the beach) Rob asked me how I was saved. I knew I had met a Godly man and I could wear my faith with pride! #2 I asked Rob about his family... (when he asked me about mine I responded with the usual, I have two sisters but they get on my nerves kind of response) Robs response was one I will never forget : " I have 4 beautiful sisters and a really cool brother that is adopted from Korea, and the most amazing mother anyone could ever ask for," I know I know brought you to tears too! One problem with this relationship... HE LIVED IN PENNSYLVANIA AND I LIVED IN FLORIDA!!!! Well I booked a flight to visit Rob in PA about 3 weeks later. I got to hang out with that amazing family he talked about and two weeks after that Rob picked up and moved to Florida! As I like to say the rest is HISTORY!! We got married June 6 2008 exactly two years after Rob moved here. I could not ask for a more loving, compassionate, GOD LOVING, amazing husband!! I am honored to be Mrs. Summerville and can not wait for the next 50+ years!