Monday, December 20, 2010

Im Normal??

Drum Roll Please..........

All my test came back NORMAL!!!!! 19 Tubes of blood and 1 HSG test later Dr said everything came back perfect. Not sure if I wanted to hear something was wrong so we could fix it or if I'm happy that its just my body doing what it is supposed to do (kicking out the bad ones). Well anyhow, Dr. said just keep trying. So I talked it over with Rob and that is just what we will do.

I am so thankful for my amazing husband, I know this is painful for him too. He said the worst part is not being able to do anything to make me feel better. He is always staying positive and cheering me on. I can not say enough how thankful I am that the Lord gave me him. I asked him what he would do when we finally get to hear a heart beat and he said he would probably cry (I will probably pass out). I love how sensitive, honest, and compassionate he has been through all of this.

I also wanted to give a shout out to Sandy Hall (follow her at SANDYPINKMAMA@BLOGSPOT.COM she has gone to every Dr. apt and test when Rob could not be there. She has let me squeeze her hand and cry on her shoulder. Friends like that are hard to come by.

Dr. Still has me on Progesterone and said this time to take it after Ovulation until we see two pink lines or Aunt Flo comes to visit (ugh I hate her).

Emotions are still running high but every day is a little easier. I cry at the drop of a hat. Especially at Church. I think it is where I feel the safest yet the most vulnerable. I love my pastor (Steve Pridmore) and all my prayer partners. It is hard to face everyone after a loss, but knowing they are all so wonderful it makes it easier. I have several pregnant friends and that kills me. I am very happy for all of them but each one of them is due within a week of when both of our babies were due. So it sometimes feels unfair and I just want to scream that was supposed to be me!!! I held a newborn in the hospital the other day and I felt nothing. I mean the baby was cute but I had no emotional connection. It was like holding a stuffed animal. I know that sounds harsh but its what I felt. My heart has gone cold as I am trying to protect it. I looked at her and thought its not mine desperately trying to keep a smile on my face. I am however loving my new niece as a distance. I like talking to her on skype, but I'm not ready to go there and be with her and the family. I hope they will understand some day it has nothing to do with not wanting to be with them. In fact it kills me that I feel this way I want all of it to go away.

I know God knows my heart and knows that being a mom is something I have dreamed of forever. I guess it is just going to take longer than I thought. I am learning to let go (a little) but as a control freak it is not easy. No one can say or do anything to make this feel better I just have to press on one day at a time with God FIRST and Rob at my side. I know when we finally get to hold our little one we will Cherish it much more than if it was the first try. I cant wait for that day to come.

Thank you Thank you to all my friends, family and cyber buddies that are praying and thinking positive for us. It really makes the days go by faster.


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