Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Ok so I got a call from my Dr. saying that they gave me the wrong information. I actually have a gene mutation called (methylenetetrahydrofolate) otherwise known as MTHFR. All I really know is that it basically means I don't absorb folic acid. Which in turn puts me at high risk for children with Downs or Spina Bifida . Also increases my risk for heart attack and stroke.

I really don't know anything yet until I see the Dr. on Jan 5. In the mean time we are going to just wait till we get the go ahead to start trying again. Dr has put me on Metanx until then.

If you have this please comment and let me know what your Dr. Told you about it.


Monday, December 20, 2010

Im Normal??

Drum Roll Please..........

All my test came back NORMAL!!!!! 19 Tubes of blood and 1 HSG test later Dr said everything came back perfect. Not sure if I wanted to hear something was wrong so we could fix it or if I'm happy that its just my body doing what it is supposed to do (kicking out the bad ones). Well anyhow, Dr. said just keep trying. So I talked it over with Rob and that is just what we will do.

I am so thankful for my amazing husband, I know this is painful for him too. He said the worst part is not being able to do anything to make me feel better. He is always staying positive and cheering me on. I can not say enough how thankful I am that the Lord gave me him. I asked him what he would do when we finally get to hear a heart beat and he said he would probably cry (I will probably pass out). I love how sensitive, honest, and compassionate he has been through all of this.

I also wanted to give a shout out to Sandy Hall (follow her at SANDYPINKMAMA@BLOGSPOT.COM she has gone to every Dr. apt and test when Rob could not be there. She has let me squeeze her hand and cry on her shoulder. Friends like that are hard to come by.

Dr. Still has me on Progesterone and said this time to take it after Ovulation until we see two pink lines or Aunt Flo comes to visit (ugh I hate her).

Emotions are still running high but every day is a little easier. I cry at the drop of a hat. Especially at Church. I think it is where I feel the safest yet the most vulnerable. I love my pastor (Steve Pridmore) and all my prayer partners. It is hard to face everyone after a loss, but knowing they are all so wonderful it makes it easier. I have several pregnant friends and that kills me. I am very happy for all of them but each one of them is due within a week of when both of our babies were due. So it sometimes feels unfair and I just want to scream that was supposed to be me!!! I held a newborn in the hospital the other day and I felt nothing. I mean the baby was cute but I had no emotional connection. It was like holding a stuffed animal. I know that sounds harsh but its what I felt. My heart has gone cold as I am trying to protect it. I looked at her and thought its not mine desperately trying to keep a smile on my face. I am however loving my new niece as a distance. I like talking to her on skype, but I'm not ready to go there and be with her and the family. I hope they will understand some day it has nothing to do with not wanting to be with them. In fact it kills me that I feel this way I want all of it to go away.

I know God knows my heart and knows that being a mom is something I have dreamed of forever. I guess it is just going to take longer than I thought. I am learning to let go (a little) but as a control freak it is not easy. No one can say or do anything to make this feel better I just have to press on one day at a time with God FIRST and Rob at my side. I know when we finally get to hold our little one we will Cherish it much more than if it was the first try. I cant wait for that day to come.

Thank you Thank you to all my friends, family and cyber buddies that are praying and thinking positive for us. It really makes the days go by faster.


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Celebrating for someone else is not easy these days but they deserve it.


Welcome baby Emma Lee Lloyd!!! 7lbs 3oz!! Born Dec 3rd 10:15 P.M.

I can say I am very excited to be an Aunt!

Emma is beautiful and my sister Brooke and her husband Paul did an amazing job bringing Emma into this world.


For those of you that don't know December first was a really great day for us. After a miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) at 5w4d September 30 Rob and I got a positive pregnancy test on December 1st. I was floored, had no idea. I immediately started to get more tired, sore breasts, lack of sleep, etc... Dr put me on Progesterone to try to help this little one stick. I am a dreamer so I of course started right away dreaming about our little boy or little girl again. Thinking about names and paint colors. We did tell a few of our close friends and family because that feeling is not something you can keep inside.

Dec, 6 2010 (last night) I had sharp pains in my right side and then in my left. I thought my pants were too tight from all the bloating. So I changed into my PJ's and laid down taking deep breaths. I went upstairs toward the end of the night and decided to take another pregnancy test so I could have a dark one for that baby book I was dreaming about. 3 min later I hit the floor crying. This can not be happening again. NO PINK LINE. Well I know how this goes. That means my beta levels have dropped again and I will start bleeding soon. Man this stinks. I prayed really hard and had my husband pick up more tests. Maybe it was just a fluke, a bad test. Well I tested again at 6:45 am with two tests one with lines and one digital. Ugh that big fat negative digital test is the worst. To go from PREGNANT to NOT PREGNANT in 4 days. Man oh man.

Well it is only 8 am Dr. opens at 9 but I know how this goes so I am blogging to get it out of my head and on paper. I truly believe someday I will be able to show my son or daughter how hard I tried and how badly I wanted them. But today I just feel like a failure. I hate having to tell my amazing husband my body couldn't handle this one either, but as my Mom said at least they know something is not right and maybe this time will take it seriously. That's what I'm praying for.

For all the ladies out there trying, please don't give up, I don't plan on it either, I will just need a few days to re-coup.