Rough Night

Tonight is just not a good night. I cant stop crying pity me tears. I feel empty, I feel like no one can understand what I'm going through. I'm angry that I feel like this stuff never ends for me. I just want to enjoy my family. My husband is out of town and I'm stuck in this quiet house while the baby is sleeping with just my thoughts. I get that I'm obsessed with researching, and it doesn't help that there is not much positive info on this stupid tumor, and that I have to wait till the end of May to get any answers at all.But how are you not supposed to think about it? How are you supposed to put it aside and move on with everything else like there is not something major going on in your head? I just found myself falling to my knees praying that God can take this from me. I don't want to think about it I don't want to be "sick" with anything. I want to enjoy this pregnancy and all that comes with it and not think about all the crap that comes with a tumor. I pray that I'm over reacting or that this is all a dream. Tonight I don't want to be a military wife. I don't want to be this far away from family. Its a horrible feeling to look at the clock and realize its midnight and there is no one you feel like you can call and just boo hoo too. I really needed a hug tonight and it makes me miss my husband (my best friend) more than anything tonight. I cant stop the tears they just keep pouring out. My heart hurts, I feel like a horrible mom to my sweet baby girl that has no clue what is going on. She doesn't deserve this empty momma she has right now. I'm praying that I can get some energy in the next few days and stop feeling like a total mess. I don't want to feel this way and I know its not healthy.

Just another bump in the road....

Just when I thought I was in the smooth sailing zone.... Sweet one year old, handsome husband, new baby on the way.... Smack!!! Wake up call Ansley YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL! After a scary day in the hospital with stroke like symptoms I have been told I have a non cancerous Brain Tumor. Your hearing this as early as I am, and are probably as in shock as I am. I had my cry, woe is me pitty day and now its time to tackle this in Summerville fashion. We do not know the next step although it is likely surgery. I feel great at the moment, and have had no further symptoms. I will have an appointment in the next few weeks with a neurologist that will give us more answers. Baby Elliana is fine and perfectly healthy. We are going to just take one day at a time and pray for God to continue to walk us through this path. He has not let us down yet and I have no doubt he will get us through this next bump in the road. If you read this and know me, you know all I ask from you is PRAYER. We know we can not get through this alone and we are not in control of this situation. I hope to be back on here soon to update with good news!

Lets Catch up!

SOOOOOOOOOOOO Its been a while. Let me catch you up with the last few months. Adaleigh is 14 months and a walking, talking ball of fun! We are currently 21 weeks pregnant with our second daughter Elliana that we conceived using ABSOLUTLY NO FERTILITY TREATMENTS!! We could not be more excited to add another sweet baby to our family. I am feeling great and have a good amount of energy still. I try to get outside with Adaleigh everyday and walk or play. Elliana is a breath of fresh air and a constant reminder that GOD IS GOOD every time she kicks! Rob is adjusting to the life of all girls well :) and I can not wait to have our family of four all together.

Family visits the first few weeks

Just a few of the family members that visited us in the first few weeks.

Birth Photos

From her sweet little nose to the tip of her toes she is perfect! Photos of Adaleigh hrs after birth.

The Day My Life Became Complete

12:30 AM Feb 8 2012: I woke up to my water breaking. Rolled over and elbowed Rob. He moaned something and went back to sleep. I quickly called my midwife, sister, mother, and mother-in-law to tell them to stay posted. No contractions yet, but I wanted them to stay tuned in case some action started. They all told me to go back to sleep. I was way too anxious, but they were sure I was in for a marathon labor and needed to get my rest. So I went back to my room to lay in bed and that's when my world turned upside down.

Boom my contractions started. Not like they tell you (they will be at least 5 min apart, putsy and you will be able to talk in between) No bam 2 min apart instantly like clockwork and very intense. I told Rob to get out of bed and we started timing them. I decided I needed a shower because I wanted to have my hair and make-up done for pictures lol. I quickly realized I would not have time for much as my contractions got more intense and closer together. I tried every position and tip I had learned in my Bradley class. Nothing helped. I was confused, as once again I was told for a few hrs I would be able to continue my normal life. I called my sister to let her know things were moving and could barely get the words out. I did not expect to feel this way this fast. My sister (being a nurse) didn't either and immediately called my family worried about me. That led to my mom calling Rob, which let to me yelling at her 'GET OFF THE PHONE AND GET ON A PLANE!!!"

Rob was busy setting up the birthing room (we decided to have a home birth). My contractions at this point were so intense that the only thing that helped was to get into my bath tub. We called the midwives and asked them to get here immediately. I soon realized I was in the transition stage of labor even though it had just begun. My body was telling me to push, but I was scared. I had never been through this before. So I had no idea what to do and began fighting the urge to push which put me in pain. My midwives got here at 3:30 am and quickly checked me and let me know that I was completely dilated and ready to push. I could not believe what I was hearing. I was then instructed to get in the birthing pool and push when I felt a contraction.

The pool felt amazing. It was warm and I had instant relief. This was the first time in 3 hrs that I could talk in between contractions and had some kind of a break. I pushed when I felt I needed to and at 3:46 Am Adaleigh Raine Summerville was born. It was the most amazing feeling having complete control of our birth. Even though it was fast and very intense, being in my home with my husband was extremely relaxing. No IVs no beeping monitors, no nurses constantly checking me, just our cozy home. Within 15 min of Addy being born I was tucked in my own bed next to my hubby with my princess in my arms. The only thing missing was my mommy. She walked in the door a few hrs later and my life was complete.

MY SWEET SWEET GIRL!

Dear Adaleigh,

Its mommy, Today is December 14th, 2011. If you don't know yet, I think you are the most amazing, beautiful, little girl that I have never met. You are so special to me. I love spending every moment of every day with you. Your kicks can make me smile, laugh, cringe, double over, gasp for air, or most of all just adore you more. Your daddy still thinks your kicks are weird or cool, but if only for a moment he could feel that special bond we have and the way you communicate to me with your movements.

 Every morning when I wake up I rub my belly and tell you good morning, because I know how special each moment can be and how short life is. I have never wanted anything more than I have wanted you. Your daddy, and I and a lot of special people have been praying for you before you were ever conceived. We can not wait to meet you in a few weeks. Thank you for bringing so much joy to our lives.

I think about you every day and wonder what you will look like. Will you have my eyes or daddies smile? What color is your hair? Is it curly or straight? All I know is that you will be beautiful and we will love everything about you.

Please stay in a few more weeks and then come out on your own! We are praying for a healthy mom healthy baby and a non medicated childbirth. Can not wait to meet you hold you squeeze you and kiss you. You are the best thing that ever happened to us. Love you more than you will ever know.

-Love you sweet princess Adaleigh Raine!