Thursday, April 18, 2013
Tonight is just not a good night. I cant stop crying pity me tears. I feel empty, I feel like no one can understand what I'm going through. I'm angry that I feel like this stuff never ends for me. I just want to enjoy my family. My husband is out of town and I'm stuck in this quiet house while the baby is sleeping with just my thoughts. I get that I'm obsessed with researching, and it doesn't help that there is not much positive info on this stupid tumor, and that I have to wait till the end of May to get any answers at all.But how are you not supposed to think about it? How are you supposed to put it aside and move on with everything else like there is not something major going on in your head? I just found myself falling to my knees praying that God can take this from me. I don't want to think about it I don't want to be "sick" with anything. I want to enjoy this pregnancy and all that comes with it and not think about all the crap that comes with a tumor. I pray that I'm over reacting or that this is all a dream. Tonight I don't want to be a military wife. I don't want to be this far away from family. Its a horrible feeling to look at the clock and realize its midnight and there is no one you feel like you can call and just boo hoo too. I really needed a hug tonight and it makes me miss my husband (my best friend) more than anything tonight. I cant stop the tears they just keep pouring out. My heart hurts, I feel like a horrible mom to my sweet baby girl that has no clue what is going on. She doesn't deserve this empty momma she has right now. I'm praying that I can get some energy in the next few days and stop feeling like a total mess. I don't want to feel this way and I know its not healthy.